So last post talked a little about how I’m trying to instill some family identity in my kids so that we think of each other as a part of one unit rather than a collection of individuals. I talked a little about our family history and passing that on to my children so they have a sense of belonging to something larger than themselves. Today I want to look at other ways I can build up the family identity and talk a little bit more about why I feel this is so important.

When I was around thirteen my parents divorced. I found myself in the envious position of tackling the awkwardness of adolescence combined with adjusting to life without my father in it. I was already a geeky nerd and this just added to my difficulties in school. I did not realize it for a very long time, but I lost my connection to my family identity then as well. The things I used to enjoy doing, baseball, Boy Scouts, basketball, and other activities no longer meant much to me. I focused on more internal things like video, board, and role playing games, areas I had complete control in. It would be years before I finally broke out of that apathetic internal cycle, basically during my last semester of high school.

My relationship with my sister completely deteriorated at that point. We had often fought quite a bit but there was still some camaraderie between us and we would look out for each other on occasion, but no longer. (note: my sister pointed out that these days we ROCK as siblings and take good care of each other). I pretty much had me and my friends and that was it. Mom was busy working and going through her own struggles and my father was two states over. I found myself getting in trouble over stupid stuff and I had no real place to turn for help or guidance.

So now I have a family of my own and I certainly want to learn from things that happened to me. So I’m off to find ways to strengthen the bond in my family. My ultimate goal is that the kids realize that other families don’t have the same connection we do. I want to avoid the syndrome that I had where everyone lived in the same house but had little connection and even less communication, the proverbial ships that pass in the night.

So what are some ways to build family identity? Try out these easy ones:

Dinner together. A stable dinner time where every member of the family is there does more than practically anything else I know of to build a connection. No TV, no reading, just all the members of the family sitting down together and talking. Even when one of the children (or myself) come to the table grumpy and refuse to talk, by the end of the meal everyone is cheery.

Games. I have a pretty impressive collection of boardgames and I can tell you some of the most enjoyable times as a parent I’ve had is when I’m playing them with my family. I make sure I have a good mixture of games that everyone can play, or in Piers’ case play with the pieces. The joy in my daughter’s eyes as she relays stories about when she beat me or Amy is priceless. It also helps the kids learn skills and keeps the TV off for an hour or two. A regularly scheduled Family Game night is an instant identity builder

Do some kind of project as a group. Each year our neighborhood has a massive garage sale. It turns the entire place into a giant parking lot and is much like a carnival in atmosphere. So while we are there selling our stuff, we also give the kids jobs as well. Hope sells lemonade, water, and cookies, and Piers patrols around and keeps us apprised of what he sees. The kids have such a blast during this time that they can’t wait for it to come around next year. Working together builds a stronger connection

Come up with family tag lines. It is cheesy but by applying labels to your family, you make it more solid. Consider it branding theory for the family. When you are doing something together add an adjective before it. For instance, become “The Dining Dewey’s” or the “Camping Dewey’s” or even the “Napping Dewey’s.”

Create a family motto. A family motto helps summarize what your family identity is in one simple sentence. They are a little tricky to come up with so don’t worry if one does not come up immediately. I constantly think of the one from the Adams Family movie, “We gladly crush those who would oppose us.” Just by hearing that you know what to expect from the family.

Create family rituals. This one can be a two-edged sword but create little rituals that only your family knows about, like the Dewey Hug I mentioned yesterday. Again it is cheesy but it is also a lot of fun and definitely creates a connection among members. I say it is a two-edged sword because of an incident I witnessed in college. A freshman was in class and she was talking about how it was her birthday and she was disappointed that no one in her sorority came in and pulled her under her bed. We all looked kind of oddly at her and you could see the realization come into her eyes that what she thought was some universal ritual was actually only done in her family. Make sure you point out to your kids when you create a family ritual.

So there are some easy ways to build up a strong family identity. I hope that you find as much success and joy in it as I have.