You ever have someone around you that says “I hate to tell you this but…” and then they go off on some negative comment about you or something you do? Do they really “hate to tell you this?” I think they can’t wait to tell you “this” and by prefacing it with “I hate to tell you…” they absolve themselves from hurt feelings and are free to tell you exactly how you feel. Of course that is not how the recipient receives it so the whole point is rather moot.

There is a whole litany of different phrases people use to break bad news to you. Couched in phrases like “constructive criticism” or “You might not want to hear this.” The problem is that the majority of the time, when people use that kind of phraseology, they really just want an excuse to tell you something hurtful. Now whether or not their comments are valid is beside the point of this post. It more has to do with dealing with folks who want to elevate themselves by bringing you down.

The moment I hear phrases like that, immediately my defenses come up. From that moment on, the whole conversation is about me mitigating whatever after effects happens from the conversation. Typically I won’t respond much to what the other person has to say. Arguing about the point is rarely productive and often just escalates things. Instead I quietly nod, exit the conversation as quickly as possible, and note to myself to avoid future conversations with that person if possible.

The sad truth is that there are many insecure people out there and a fast way to gain security, albeit temporarily, is to lower others around you. The person may not even realize why they are doing it; just that there is something they MUST say to you. I find a simple “I disagree, but thank you for telling me” can be a quick and disarming closure to the conversation. If they persist, I respond with “I’m sorry, but I’m not really in the correct state to continue this. Perhaps we can pick it up in a few days.” Ideally the few days never come, but if it does, I will have time to consider if there is any validity to their concerns.

The sad truth is that people will always want to point out your faults to you or someone else. It is an easy way to feel better about you, “at least I’m not like him.” Ultimately it is important than when you are confronted by someone in this manner, it is they who actually have the issue. While you may have something you need to correct, there is a proper time and method to discuss it. Don’t let others bully you into a corner just so they can feel better about yourself.